Always take a 10 minute break everyday to poop at work. Over a 20 year career, you'll be paid 867 hours for pooping. At 2019's minimum wages, that's approximately $13,000 in paid-poop-time. #worktolive

Freeze your boiling water to save it for later without burning your hands. #protip

Train your body to survive on vending machine snacks. When the zombie apocalypse strikes, the health fanatics will feel ill on a diet of Cheetos and fall prey to zombies while you continue on. #science

Help your children sleep through the night using a humidifier filled with chloroform on a low setting. #goodparent

Put a sticky note with the wrong password on it under your keyboard. This will keep miscreants busy and your documents safe. #security

Enter the phone number of people you don't like at gas station pumps to use up their grocery store points and get discounted fuel. #savings

Dramatically reduce your job performance over a long period of time in order to be promoted OUT of your position by your organization. #jobsecurity

When flying, establish dominance early over the airplane armrest by also putting your foot in their space and sitting on their seat belt half. Then eat their snacks mid-flight. The armrest will seem a trivial accommodation afterwards. #travelpro

Create slightly deviant social media personas for people you don't like and leave the settings public. It doesn't matter if photos don't match, they'll get dismissed by prospective employer screening and never meet in the interview. #servedcold

Use a 3D printer to create teeth to put under your pillow for cashing in on the tooth fairy. #retirementplans

Does your company only allow you to expense meals and doesn't pay per diem - e.g. if you don't eat it, you don't get it? Find a convenience store that sells lottery scratch tickets by credit card. Then you can submit a non-itemized receipt for "food" and redeem the winnings without gaining weight. #travellikeaboss

To avoid consuming contaminants in produce, increase your bacon consumption. After pigs eat produce, they poop out the toxins and absorb the relevant nutrients into their muscle. Eating the bacon allows you to eat the filtered produce in a tastier package. #foodscience

Wash down a cookie with a SlimFast and everything nets to zero. #diet

Eat high cholesterol foods as part of your workout. Your heart will get stronger attempting to pump blood through more challenging arteries. Then eat healthy again to clean the arteries while enjoying a strong heart. #cardio

Don't chase after your children in the park/city/etc. If it's meant to be, they'll come back to you. #parenting